A Natural History of Lolly Cake
When common or garden fruit puffs are embedded in a matrix of biscuit crumbs and condensed milk, rolled in coconut flakes, and allowed to congeal, the result is Lolly Cake, a heavenly delicacy whose ethereal qualities belie its humble ingredients. It tastes good, if you like extremely sweet things with very high fat content, which you do.
To the best of my knowledge, lolly cake is unique to New Zealand. That is to say, I have yet to find any reference to its existence that can’t be traced to a New Zealander.
What Lolly Cake looks like.
Lolly Cake: close-up.
Fusion cuisine: an experimental lolly cake variant with irish moss and licorice chocolate logs.
- 120 grams of butter
- 250 grams of malt biscuits (one packet)
- 180 grams of Fruit Puffs (one packet)
- 1/2 tin condensed milk
- Some shredded coconut
Gather the ingredients on the kitchen bench.
Place hand over heart, and sing God Defend New Zealand. This is an essential step, and people can tell if you haven’t done it when they taste the lolly cake.
Scronch up the biscuits real good. I like to use a big bowl and one of those potato smooshing tools. Some people have reported good results with putting the biscuits in a plastic bag and smacking it into the bench, but I find the sharp bits of biscuit tend to rip open the bag, leading to unpleasantness and coughing. I like to leave a bit of texture in the biscuit matrix, with most of it dust but some remaining pieces up to about 5 millimetres long. You can also put some cinnamon in at this point, which is nice
- Some cinnamon
Now warm the butter and condensed milk in the microwave. It doesn’t matter if the butter melts a bit, the point is not to make too much work for yourself mixing it into the biscuits. One time I was eating some lolly cake that I bought from the school canteen and discovered that a large piece I thought was a yellow fruit puff was actually a great big lump of butter that had carelessly been left unmixed. It is better not to trust Bought Lolly Cake.
Chop up the fruit puffs. Not too small. I reckon cutting each one about in half is about right, but it probably wouldn’t matter if they went in whole. If you were in a hurry, and not really taking things seriously.
Put the fruit puffs in the bowl with the scronched biscuits. Pour in the butter and condensed milk. Stir with a wooden spoon. Continue until well mixed.
Spread some coconut out on the bench, and put the mixture on top. Roll it around until it has coconut all over the outside, then form it into a log. Cubes work too.
Place on a tray in the fridge to congeal. This takes a few hours. After that, it’s a good idea to cover the lolly cake with glad wrap to prevent it drying out too much.
If ever proof were needed of the essential nobility of the human spirit, and its capacity to produce works of great splendour from the raw materials of the Earth, it is surely to be found in the wondrous achievements of the students of Dunstan High School in Alexandra. For where former centuries have admired the Mammoth Cheese of 1878 or the Big Pineapple of 1971, surely these past feats are matched, if not surpassed, by the 40-foot Lolly Cake of 2005.
The cake was organised by the Dunstan High School World Vision 40 Hr Famine Co-Ordinators Amy Weller, Jenna Lynch and Ysra Naylor. It was lovingly hand-crafted in the school hall on a specially-constructed gantry of desks, metal planks and a double layer of tin foil.
Sold in slices, the 40-Foot Lolly Cake raised around $500 for World Vision, and was justly fêted in the Otago Daily Times. Congratulations to the fine students of Dunstan High School!
I admit to a certain proprietorial pride in this staggering 40-foot lolly cake, for although I was not directly involved in its construction, I did assist in a preliminary consultant fashion. Specifically, I recommended making many little lolly cakes and joining them together, because otherwise you’d need a very big bowl to scronch the biscuits in.
Wikipedia has a lolly cake entry.
You will certainly want to see the special star wars lolly cake fanfic page. It’s a sight to behold, oh my yes.